The Decade Awards

I feel like, very quietly, the end of the decade has snuck up on us. It was only yesterday I was standing on a porch in the Poconos, banging some pots around, lighting off fireworks and rejoicing the reality that Y2K didn't send us into a societal freefall. Ahhh, those were the days. That being said, it's been a pretty great ten years. There probably isn't a more interesting time in life than your 20s. You're out of school. Hopefully employed. Have a little freedom. And the world hasn't yetbeaten you into a bloody pulp. But rather than rehash it all in one, big, long narrative (I will be doing that later with my Memoir - Don’t Put That on the Stove! Are You Trying to Burn the Whole House Down?: The Doug Norrie Story) I thought we could run through some awards. Let's hand them out.

Road trip of the Decade (What was I thinking award) - To the bus trip I took from Philadelphia to Denver. I talked myself into this for two reasons. I saved about $150 by busing it rather than flying and I thought it would make a good story because I had just read the most overrated book of all time, On the Road by Jack Kerouac. I expected a carefree little jaunt through the Heartland. What I got was a 42 hour death sentence complete with a guy who I believed to be a serial killer, an Indian woman with a face full of sores sleeping on my shoulder, an extended layover in the most depressing place on Earth (the bus station in Omaha), an evangelical bus driver who took us through Nebraska (with God as his co-pilot) and a guy who snored so loud for about eight hours that I thought I might just have to commit justifiable homicide.


Student of the Decade (Ridiculous quote award): This goes in a landslide to Mr. Romane V. who I actually taught twice: second and fifth grades. This kid was a quote machine. So much so that a couple of years back I printed up a mini book of things he had uttered throughout the year. I attached it to this email. Have fun. Some highlights: "Mr. Norrie, did you know my favorite President is... Frankenstein?" and in response to the question "What are you looking at?" he said, "The sun. I wish it would gain 10,000 pounds." Good kid. But I have nightmares that in 15 years I will be in the emergency ward of a hospital after suffering my first of many heart attacks and will hear over the PA, "Paging Dr. V, Dr Romane V."

Job Interview of the Decade (Life-saving award) - Some of you know how I got my current job, for the rest of you, here goes. I was working at a summer camp in the off season when a school group came to use the facilities. I just happened to also be looking for a teaching job. While eating lunch with said school group, one of the kids started choking. I, in superhero-like speed and grace, gave him the heimlich manuever and dislodged a piece of taco from his throat. Three days later I had an interview. A week later I had the job. I've been teaching at Pleasantdale ever since. If you got your present-day job in a more grandiose fashion I'd love to hear it.


Living Situation of the Decade (Feels like home award) - Tough call here as I've lived in a ton of places this decade including: a cabin in the woods by myself, another cabin with some good friends, my buddy's parent's house, a 3 bedroom house with no furniture, my in-laws, a basement in Verona and the dining room of a condo in Colorado. But I have to give the award to my apartment in Belleville. In the summer it was 130 degrees; in the winter below freezing. The living room and kitchen were the same 150 square foot stretch. There was only one closet and it had no door. I only had a love seat to sit in, a futon to sleep on and a free-standing radiator that liked to occasionally blast out a steady torrent of steam giving the whole place a refreshing Rain Forest-like vibe. Also, Francis, the owner and lady who lived downstairs was about 107 years old and liked to randomly scream at me for things like parking in the driveway. Loved every minute of it. Which leads me too...

Roommate of the Decade - Another tough one with many options. Too many to name, (not true I just don't feel like it) but there is one guy who stands head and shoulders above the rest. Simon Ashmele. A British national I worked with at Camp Mason near the beginning of the decade. Simon loved a good game of snooker. His favorite movie of all time was the remake of Halloween. He listened nonstop to movie scores (the only music he would listen to). He ate spaghetti on top of matzoh. He wore a fanny pack. He owned matching pajama pants, top and slippers. He once gave another man the same pajama set as a gift (I was not that man, I swear).

***Very Close Second to Christopher "28 on the 28 on the 28" Lengle: Once tore his hamstring reenacting a dance he had been doing with a girl the night before. Accidentally lit girlfriend's hair on fire while having sex on New Years Eve. Went to pick up said girlfriend at the airport except he went to the airport in the wrong state. (Greensboro, NC instead of Greenville, SC). Went on a road trip. Stopped in Austin. Liked the town. Bought a house. Chris was a man among boys.


Reality Check of the Decade (Gut-wrenching award) - This wasn't one isn't even close. Finding out I am going bald (am bald) wins in a total and complete landslide. Nothing else is even in the rearview. In fact I detail this discovery in this blog post. No need to relive it again but rest assured I haven't begun to miraculously grow any hair back yet.


Sports Moment of the Decade (Improbable award) - This decade was packed full of meaningful sports moments for me. The Red Sox finally won the World Series, then two years later won again. The Giants upset the big, bad Patriots in one of the greatest Super Bowl finishes ever. I ran three miles in a row without stopping to puke. But after careful consideration, I need to give the award to Christopher "Toph" Miller. The scenario: Senior Year. Juniata College. Intramural Softball Championships. My team has a three year, undefeated streak. It's the bottom of the last inning. We are down by one run. Toph, who's batted last and been relegated to right field the entire season came to the plate with a man on second. And with one swing he drove a ball over the right field fence for the improbable walk off victory. We stormed the field, never having lost a softball game in college and carried Toph off to the bar to celebrate.

*If I had won KeiserPong the previous paragraph would have read very differently.

** Honorable mention goes to the kickball game we played with the bridal parties and families the day before Breen's and my wedding. I'm not mentioning it because I kicked a homerun or that I famously ended the game right after my team had taken the lead claiming, "We need to go to the rehearsal now Game is over. We win." No, I mention this because the runner up for the sports moment goes to my friend Mike Pac for showing up late to the game, trying to bunt in kickball and then absolutely barreling over Breen's friend Erika on his way to legging out an infield single.

Vacation of the Decade (Just in the nick of time award) - The road trip Breen and I took to New Orleans was great for many reasons. I stroked the back of an unsuspecting woman (thought it was Sabrina) while on a tour of Graceland, got harassed by the creepiest park ranger in history, and took a walking tour of the French Quarter at noon, in August But this vacation gets the award for Sabrina and I outrunning Hurricane Katrina. Literally. We were in Mississippi camping. We couldn't believe our good fortune to be on the beach without another soul in sight. We relaxed, went kayaking (with dolphins), swam, and generally just lazed about. When we got back to our campsite we went to the office to re-up for another night. Why not? The manager told us we couldn't because the whole town was being evacuated and we had limited time to bust out of Dodge before the storm hit. We packed up and hit the road. 16 hours later Katrina did its thing.


*Worth mentioning here is my sister and brother-in-law's honeymoon. They went to beautiful Riviera Maya, Mexico. Then Hurricane Wilma struck and they spent the majority of the honeymoon holed up in a Mexican schoolhouse with no running water, no toilets, wet mattresses, and a resort worker standing guard with a machete outside the door. Romantic.

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Its been a phenomenal decade. I plan on living the next ten years with the sole intention of having things to write in the next "Decade Awards" in 2019 so it should be pretty interesting. I hope everyone has a great holiday, a happy New Year, and a fantastic 2010.

Amazing response to Buckle Up

This is from an old friend Melissa. Too good not to share.

Hey Doug.

Your car stories prompted me to share a quick story… Mike and I have a good friend, the best man in our wedding actually, who lived in Jersey City after college, where he worked as a teacher. He never, ever would lock his car in college, and always kept a spare set of keys in the glove compartment. Of course, he continued these habits when he moved to NJ. One morning, he was leaving to go to work and his car was gone. He called the police, described the car, and the officer told him—“oh, we just found that car in an alley with the keys in it—we haven’t even filled out a report yet. Come on down and pick it up.” No paperwork was ever filed. Of course, that didn’t make him change his habits though, and sure enough, a few months later, he gets ready to leave for work again, and the car is gone again. He calls the police, files the report, and they tell him that it probably won’t be found. His golf clubs, laptop and grade book had been inside the car. Gone. He files an insurance claim and gets new golf clubs. (Though he had to tell a few lies to the police and insurance company, because he had it registered to his parents house in NY where the insurance was cheaper, so he tells the police he was just visiting NJ.) Weeks go by. He’s a runner, and was out for a run one day a few miles from his apartment. Sees a car that was just like his, with the same bumper sticker he used to have, but this car had temporary NJ plates (again, his were NY plates). Gets closer and realizes, this is his car. He tries the handle. Locked. He runs home, gets his keys, runs back, opens the car, and steals it back! Called the police to tell them he found it (which, they were not pleased about—they wanted to stake out the area to catch the person). Golf clubs and laptop were still there, and the NY plates were in the trunk. Grade book was gone for good!

He encourages us to tell this story whenever we can because his life’s goal is for someone to tell it back to him someday in a bar somewhere, so that he can say “That was me!!”

Hope you’re doing well!

-Melissa

Buckle Up

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I know I did. I’ve gotten some really nice words about the newsletters coming back which is either people just trying to make conversation with me or some really great compliments. Either way, the motivation is back. I hope to keep cranking them out. Thought it would be a nice time to share this. Some of you are well versed in this story already. For others, buckle up. You are about to get a crash course in my history with automobiles.



January 2000 - My parents are nice enough to make the initial purchase of a Honda Civic for me. This car serves two purposes. It’s insanely generous Christmas/ college graduation gift. It’s also a motivator because I have to start making the monthly finance payments the second I graduate college meaning I can’t slack off.



June 2002 - A recycling truck backs over front of Civic, crushing the hood and my confidence in the Jackson Township Department of Public Works. After this, the air conditioner never quite works right, the car always shakes at any speed over 70mph and the headlights point more up than out making everyone think I am high beaming them.



June 2003 - During a thunderstorm, a tree branch falls through the back windshield causing extensive damage and also prompting a friend of mine to claim it was a 12 year old kid who had taken a 30 pound branch and hurled it through the back of my car. (it just fell off a tree). While getting it repaired, the jackass car guy doesn’t seal the window correctly. Torrential downpour. Another buddy of mine sits in the backseat which actually makes a sloshing sound it is so wet. Car forever smells like wet moldy towels.



August 2004 - I pay car off and famously (and sarcastically) claim, "It’s paid off, now I will probably total it.”



September 2004 - Car is totaled when some idiot rear ends me on the Parkway. Trunk disappears as do my dreams of going through just one month of no car payment.



November 2004 - Purchase Toyota Matrix. Walk out to school parking lot to see a massive dent in the rear passenger side door. I leave note in teacher's lounge and office of school threatening to murder the person who did it. Surprisingly no one fesses up.



October 2005 - On Halloween Day I come outside to find car egged from the previous Mischief Night. After closer inspection it appears my car is the only one on the block to suffer this fate. I conveniently forget all the houses and cars I egged on Mischief Night in North Plainfield and make mental note to beat up neighborhood kids.



March 2005 - Ground lights on car are stolen. I don't know why. I do not replace them as I didn't even realize they were there until I noticed them missing.



August 2006 - Some guy rear ends me while exiting off Parkway. Huge dent in trunk. We decide to keep insurance companies out of it. He writes me a check. I buy a new computer.



Why has all of this stuff happened to me? I am willing to ignore Occam's Razor (in this case: bad luck, something with my general care of automobiles) and go right to the universe conspiring against me. I was able to boil it down to three major things in my life that have caused the Gods of Automobiles to hold a pretty massive grudge. Here are my transgressions:



1. While in middle school, I vehemently resisted my parents purchasing a Ford Crown Victoria Wagon eventually making the argument that "it's the most embarrassing car in America." My parents ignore me and the Gods begin to take notice.



2. While on my paper route, the Gods decide to mete out a little revenge. I take too wide a turn on my bike and am actually hit by a car. The bike is totaled but, amazingly, I walk away unscathed. This just makes the Gods angrier.



3. I fail my first driver's license test in epic fashion when, after perfectly parallel parking, I run a red light, speed, and make and illegal left turn. Gods become even angrier at my apparent lack of respect for the road. They reach the boiling point when I do end up passing test with flying colors the second time around.



I am writing this newsletter as an apology. I am sorry Car Gods. Whatever I did to offend you was done unknowingly. I want to make amends now more than ever. It’s been awhile since any major car controversy and I can already see the writing on the wall. Something is going to happen and soon. Maybe it will be just a fender bender. Maybe it will be a crane dropping a steel beam and crushing the Matrix to oblivion. Maybe I will just walk outside and the car will be gone (the least likely of the three judging by its condition.) I don’t want any of these things to happen. I need this little baby to run for another 100k miles at least. This will give little Eirron enough to time claim his dad is buying the most embarrassing car in America.


Be good everyone. Coming next: The Gift Giving, Holiday Spectacular.