Year End Awards

What would the end of the year be without awards? What would the awards be if I didn't make a bunch up while I waited for Christmas break to start? We have a lot of awards to get to. Good luck getting through it. Without further ado :

The 2008 Doug Norrie Year End Awards!!!!!! Clap, clap, clap.

Person of the Year (Fictional character award):

Vic Mackey – no one had a more badass, manipulative, disaster of a year than this guy. If you don’t watch The Shield, well, I won’t ruin it for you. Let me just say that Pat Griffin wants nothing more than to be Vic Mackey and that alone makes him my POY.

Person of the Year (dedication to a cause award):

Joe Keiser – no single person has done more to advance the cause of Beer Pong and Beer Pong education than this man. In addition to holding the annual KeiserPong tournament (a yearly ritual in this family for sure) he has also expanded to the franchise to the KeiserPong Winter Invitational. Coming soon: KeiserPong: Elementary School Knockout!! Keep fighting the good fight my friend.

Movie of the Year (Only one I saw in the theater award):

Dark Knight. Assuming I get this thing out by the 23^rd, this will be my last shot at making sure this movie lands in my stocking Festivus morning. If not? Well, I don’t want to say that the holiday is ruined, but I really couldn’t have dropped anymore hints about this.

Douchebag of the Year (Creeping me out award):

Alex, my wedding videographer. Lots of candidates for this award. Some from today alone. But when you look like you finance your whole business with a secret kiddie porn operation, get cut off at the bar during the wedding for having 9 glasses of wine, push one of my guests out of the way for being “in the shot,” and just generally creep everyone out? Then you are a man among boys (probably literally).

Wedding Guest of the Year (No Show Award):

Danny Difabio in a walk. He spent our wedding at the bar about ½ mile away while my best man Pat ate his meal. Nice job. (added award to his wife Kelly for not murdering him on site) In awards given out before the ceremony Danny also walked away with the Clutch Plumbing Award and Ponytail Award.

Engagement of the Year (Secrecy Award):

Justin Starling. At our party the other night he conveniently went the whole time without telling anyone he had just asked his longtime girlfriend Amanda to marry him. Huh? I guess the talk about our fantasy football teams and the Ravens/ Cowboys game were just a little more important. Congrats my friend!

Forward thinking of the Year (Colleague courtesy award):

Anthony Carsillo. As a fellow male teacher, Anthony had the foresight to stock the only men’s faculty bathroom with magazines and air freshener. Nice.

Dog of the Year (independence award):

This one was difficult as there were many new dog additions to my group of friends and family. After much deliberation the winner is Bentley Carruthers. Bentley won for being the one dog in the group that just does whatever the f@#k it wants. Plain and simple. I aspire to be Bentley. Head out the window, wind in my floppy ears and just chewing whatever couch happens to be in the room. He’s a top dog in my book.

Retirement Announcement of the Year (Unclear if my mom knew it was coming award):

To my dad: The Reverend Jack Norrie for stepping down from the pulpit and into the unknown. No one could put me to sleep faster than my dad when he got up there for the sermon. It took my years to come to my senses and realize I was missing some really good stuff. Me think me learn gift of words from me dad.

Bravest Guy of the Year (Arachnid fighting award):

To the stoic Mexican resort worker unlucky enough to draw the short straw and have to come to our room to kill the scorpion on the drapes. Faced with the deadly beast and with Sabrina and I screaming “MIRA MUERTE! MIRA MUERTE!” (we thought we were saying we wanted to see it dead, but I think were screaming “WE SEE DEATH!!”) he calmly hit it with a towel, took it to the hall and killed it. My man was cool, calm and collected.

Moment of the Year (Personal happiness award):

Goes in a landslide to the Giants winning the Super Bowl. I haven’t been that happy in a long, long time. Distant second: my wedding.

Book of the year (One I almost bought as a joke award):

Monday Night Jihad by Jason Elam. A book about a Muslim terrorist threat at a football game thwarted by a player/ government operative written by an NFL kicker? Surprised Oprah didn’t latch on to this bad boy. I was going to make a joke about a possible sequel, but when I found the book on its website I discovered there actually is a sequel. It seems linebacker Riley Covington is back to play some football and kick some terrorist ass. (I laughed out loud typing this whole paragraph)

Conversation of the Year (I wish I had the transcript award):

Goes to the conversation I had with Colin Walsh about music at the New Year’s party last year. I was on complete fire. Witty, smart, funny, introspective, and had no one else jumping in with their inferior opinions. I walked away amazed and thoroughly impressed with my intellect and verbal prowess. Unfortunately, I can’t remember anything I said because it was about 6 hours and 15 drinks into the party.

Injury of the Year (Ridiculous award):

To the herniated disc I suffered on the drive home from my bachelor party. I got it from sleeping passed out hunched forward for about an hour and a half. All three guys in the car agreed, “It looked like you were dead.” Great weekend.

TV Show of the Year (Cultural Advancement Award)

Hole in the Wall. If you haven’t seen this show, well you are really missing out. I could take a page just describing the levels of disaster occurring on this show and it wouldn’t do it justice. Bottom line: people with IQs below the retardation line, trying to contort to fit in a various holes in a moving wall? Masterpiece Theater watch your back.

Announcement of the Year (Knowing is half the battle award)

The upcoming GI Joe movie. I am not sure if I have ever been more excited for a movie. As long as they have the B.A.T.S and Zartan I will be good.

And Finally...

Visual of the Year (Children are our future award)

To the kid I saw unabashedly humping a giant Stewie doll at Great Adventure for at least 15 minutes while his parents and about 50 others watched in horror. My sister-in-law has video confirmation of this. It was intense, unapologetic and very, very disturbing. Great Adventure was full of unforgettable white trash moments, but this one wins in a romp.

It’s been a great year. More newsletters to come in 2009. Thanks for reading, sending along your comments, and not asking me to remove you from the mailing list! I love you all.

A fellow sufferer

From the one and only Albert Hernandez:

Hey all I got to say is gambling is a sin. But i broke that sin and every other sin that there is a long time ago. But your wrong Doug. You go thru so much pain even if you win. I was crying the whole night watching Eli get sacked and have him start in my fantasy. I still won but only by three points but i went thru so many emotions and I almost started to wonder is it worth all this pain and suffering to win one game. Now I feel like I wish I had lost so I don't have to endure all the pain again in the champion rd. and what makes it worst is if i lose I will come in second and I will be even more upset that I was this close to winning it all and lost.


Well said brother

Football Season

I shouldn’t gamble. At all. Ever. I don’t have a gambling problem. Far from it. I never make bets on games. I don’t go to casinos. I don’t check betting lines and have never had a bookie. I play a little poker, run the NCAA tournament brackets for my work and participate in fantasy baseball and football. That is about it. So why is it a problem? Let me walk you through my day Sunday. Woke up. Ate breakfast. Drank my coffee. Checked email. Went out and looked for the cheapest Christmas tree I could find. Sat and cursed at the TV and computer for ten straight hours as I watch my fantasy football season end in crushing fashion. That pretty much encapsulates all of my Sundays during fantasy football season.

Sunday I lost in the semifinals of my home league for a number of different reasons including: bad roster choices, bad luck, the universe conspiring against me, whatever god you worship hating me, the Cowboy's Tashard Choice, being jinxed because I didn’t help Sabrina decorate the Christmas tree, 8 years of the Bush presidency, broccoli, the stock market, the kid that stole my bike in 8th grade and snakes. All of these things factored in equally in my loss yesterday. As I sat and lamented this devastating series of events I thought, “This is supposed to be fun?” Even when I was winning, my Sunday (a beautiful day in the GW) was ruined as I sat nauseously through a day of football. It was anything but fun. It was torture.

A friend and I were talking this weekend about gambling and he said that problem gamblers have an addiction because there are times where the losses have more rush than the wins. What? I can say assuredly that the rule does not apply to me. As Tashard Choice scampered 38 yards into the end zone at the end of the Giants-Cowboys game Sunday night, and Sabrina curled into a protective ball on the couch lest she get hit with a stray flying pillow, remote or expletive during my Tazmanian devil-like destruction of the living room, I thought, “Today sucked.” (Would this read differently had I won? Of course but my mood the rest of the day was unchanged.)

In the end, I think I have learned some things about myself, foremost being I may not be cut out for high pressure, nerve racking situations. (In this instance the high pressure situation was watching grown dudes run around a field tackling each other). What will I do about it going forward? Probably very little as I am sure next fall you will find me in my basement, holding the draft, making fun of Albert for choosing Ahmad Bradshaw in the third round and thinking, “God I love this time of year."

Writer's Bloc? Try Time Travel

This article is posted at Cinemablend.com/television

During the first season of Heroes, I, like many others, used to think about which super power I would most enjoy exploiting for my own personal gain. (Eliminate Peter and Sylar’s powers as those are cop outs akin to asking the genie for more wishes) At first Nathan’s flying ability seemed appealing as I could do the traveling my wife always wants to do. Then it was Jessica’s super strength making armed robbery a cinch. Parkman’s mind reading abilities were also right up my alley, but then I realized Parkman’s real ability was to make me want to shut the TV off every time he came on. Finally, I settled on Hiro and the power to travel infinitely through time and space; the best, most prolific and easily exploitable power. Gambling, vacations, more gambling, practical jokes. The world would have been my oyster. Unfortunately, while Hiro’s ability seems the most advantageous, it is also the very power the show’s writers should never have introduced.

Time travel is a tricky thing (Just ask Marty McFly and Doc Brown). Unlimited time travel in a TV series is a nightmare. In movies, time travel has constraints because of production length and story. We can find holes but just as we are asking our questions, the end tidies up and the credits roll. (example: Wait a second how is John Connor’s father from the future? F-it who cares that movie was awesome!) Not so the case in television. Consider this email I sent to Cinema Blend’s TV editor Kelly West, about why I stopped watching Heroes:

I stopped watching Heroes about 4 weeks ago because of this very problem. I just felt the show was stuck in this endless loop of: save the future, go back to the past, mess something up, try again, deal with another annoying Parkman arc, back to the future, realize they failed, start again. I just gave up.

Too bad because that show's first season was excellent. All down hill from there.For big Heroes fans out there Kelly swears the last few episodes have been great, but for me it is ruined. Heroes established a power with so many infinite possibilities and limited constraints that it matters little what happens from episode to episode. When in doubt, screw it, send Hiro or Peter back to figure out how to change it. Or send them forward in time to figure out what the future holds. Good for gamblers; bad for TV.

Time travel on TV needs rules. The rules need to be set early and deviating from them can cause problems. On Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles time travel is used as a link from the future, but not as a two-way portal. In essence, the writers use the concept on a functional level. Machines and resistance fighters return to the present to protect their future interests. This link to the future provides the characters with goals to work towards and information on how to complete missions. The show even touches on the idea that things the characters do to stop Judgment Day may just be an exercise in futility. Everyone is racing back to stop the other side from winning but we (viewers) are slowly learning that the little battles being fought rarely stop the time-honored march of inevitability. (I mean if they stop the machines for good the show would just end wouldn’t it?) In the end, time travel acts as a means to an entertaining end. We aren’t left considering its implications because it rarely affects the overall story.

In another example take the cut-too short show Journeyman. Dan Vasser suffers from literal bouts of uncontrollable time travel. Much like Quantum Leap, he gets a funny feeling, and seconds later vanishes back into the past to work on some sort of job to help the future. He has to determine his mission in each episode, and doesn’t know when or why he’ll zip back in time. The show had just started working on the future implications of his actions (the shifts in time lines and time theory) when it was canceled thus leaving the 4 of us (my wife and I and probably some other loser couple out there) that watched it to only wonder. Regardless, because his power held him powerless the writers were held relatively in check.

Back to Heroes. Maybe they have addressed some of these issues in the last few weeks when I haven’t watched. I doubt it. Any scaling back to the time travel aspect of the show would just seem to be damage control at this point. They already screwed the pooch. Tip to future TV writers: handle time travel carefully. Once you start fiddling you can’t go back. (pun?)

Ahh the gift of giving

Hey Doug,
I have a torturous gift-giving experience. I was actually on the giving end for this one. My grandma is a silly 91 year old that has lived with my family all my life. Like most senior citizens she loves Bea Arthur so I figured I'd get a little nostalgic. On one of my frequent trips through Best Buy last year I picked her up the first season of Maude DVD. You may have heard a clip from Family Guy or O&A recently but for those of you unfamiliar with the program here's a little taste of the theme song, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NglGyn8yE20 . Now just imagine having to be subjected to this gem in blaring 5.1 surround sound. It’s no box of crap but for the auditory senses it’s very comparable.
Later,Carsillo

The family with actual dogs

Tis the season

I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday as much as I did. Highlights included: A record 3 naps at Sabrina’s grandmother’s on Thursday, an awesome second Thanksgiving at my parents’ complete with a frenzied dog show (cast included one of these , one of these , add in this little guy , and finish it off with this), a two month belated surprise birthday party on Saturday night and a day of football and general sloth on Sunday. All in all the weekend was everything dreamt of and more.

As we enter the season of excessive gift-giving, gift paranoia, stress shopping, 24 hour showings of A Christmas Story , and general complaining about a holiday season that should be the best ever, but is turned inside-out by expectations I think it is important to stop and reflect. Reflect on what it means to give and receive. Reflect on family and why they are so important and how much they love us. To illustrate this I have brought in a guest contributor for this edition. When I first heard this story over the summer I thought it was too good to not share with the masses. I tried thinking of ways to convey it properly, couldn’t, and just decided to have Ashley do the honors herself. A couple of quick things to know beforehand: Ashley’s birthday falls very close to Christmas, Rich is her stepfather, Taylor is her sister and Shadow is her family dog. With out further ado, Ashley Comaites:

It was, I think, my 14th or 15th birthday. We were sitting in the living room under the Christmas tree (my birthday presents were always kept under there) and I had just finished opening all of my gifts. Rich left the room and came back with another box that he had found. These were always the best gifts, the "surprise" ones that parents pretend they forgot about. So I was naturally very excited. I was sitting on the floor and Shadow came running over and sat right next to me. He just stared eagerly at the box. This led me to believe it was some awesome gift, and Shadow inherently knew it. So I was super excited to open it. The whole time Shadow sat next to me seeming very intrigued. Rich and Taylor could hardly contain their excitement. I tore open the gift, expecting possibly the best gift of my life. It turned out to be Shadow’s poop wrapped up nicely in a box. Taylor and Rich couldn’t stop laughing, my mom couldn’t hide her disgust, and I was just shocked and disappointed. I think it was Rich's idea, with Taylor backing him up and making him follow through on it.

On that note, let’s gear up for the holiday season. Get those gift ideas ready. If anyone has a comparable gift-giving example like this please send them in. I will post them.

Like TV?

I wanted to let you all know that I am now currently contributing to the website www.cinemablend.com . It is an entertainment website. The section I contribute to is the television section and I am covering Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. If you have any interest my first submission is up today. Just trying to hit my readership :)

I should have a new article up every Tuesday morning.

Turkey Day

A few weeks ago I expounded on the idiocy of Boss’s Day . (Update on this: my boss did not show up for our employee-run Boss’s Day celebration so that was a nice kick in the butt). At the time I mentioned my favorite holiday: Thanksgiving. So many factors go into making this holiday above and beyond that I get excited for it months in advance. The excess food, the football, the way I’m not forced to open the chastity lock on my wallet for gifts, the food, the requisite food-induced-coma (or FIC as I say to Sabrina), the family I guess, the leftover food, the four and half day weekend, the Wednesday night bar reunion, the football game I used to play before my body rejected its athleticism, and the food. God I love Thanksgiving.

A huge added bonus to Thanksgiving around the Norrie family is that we get, not one but, two holidays. When my sister used to work at the hospital her shift would fall on Thanksgiving. Not wanting to jip my sister out of complaining about all the calories in a Thanksgiving dinner, my mom decided to do Turkey day on Friday. This alleviated the problem for Sabrina and me about what family to spend the holiday with; we got both. This has turned into tradition and we (me and my stomach) get Thursday with the Koesters and Friday with the Norries. Two turkeys, two sets of stuffing, two days of sloth, and two FICs. Happy Thanksgiving!

Worse Gym Experiences?

From Kelly B
"I was just at the gym. My selection was National Geographic (dated 2001), an AARP magazine and a JCrew catalog. I decided to lift."


From the Fuzzer
"You could come and exercise at the gym in Berks County, here is your selection:

Cabellas 2008 catalog
Star Magazine
Bow Hunter Monthly
Reader's Digest (Would have been acceptable but is was SOAKING WET! Sauna proof, I think not)

The Issues

Originally I was going to write a newsletter with the title Obama Wins: Millions of Overly-Hyperbolic Americans Alleviated from Actually Having to Follow Through on Their Promise to Move out of the Country but the title was hard enough to come up with and in all honesty I did not want to make light of such a historic day in our country. (Alternate title: McCain loses: Norries thank God Mom Isn't Forced to Keel Over and Die.)

So I thought I could focus on another issue weighing on me lately (mostly just today); the magazine selection at my gym (that sentence just looks loaded with puns now doesn't it.) Now I dislike working out. My aversion to exercising is not in the form of competitive sports, mind you, but rather getting on things like treadmills, bikes, elliptical machines and just robotically moving my limbs in such a way to cause calorie burn off. My herniated disc gave me a nice excuse to do nothing for about 4 months, but that is over now. Exercising is an ongoing battle. Hell, between my Senior and Freshman years I put on about 15 pounds. (this is in reference to the senior year of my 20's and the freshman year of my 30's). The only way I can get into the gym and maintain the motion required to actually exercise is to read a magazine while doing so. So how do you think I felt when I perused the magazine rack today at the Bally's in Clark? Dissappointed to say the least. A crappy sampling:

Surf Magazine
Drag Racer
Making Music (at least 10 copies)
Shape (this makes sense I guess)
Road and Track
The Sports Illustrated College Football Preview (dated 8/11/08)

That's about it. If I was not paid through January I probably would have cancelled my membership right there. It is is a miracle I got up on the treadmill at all. Relentless self-motivation I guess. I understand magazines are going the way of the dinosaur (like telephone booths and ER) but until they install computer screens with high speed internet connections on this gym equipment Bally's is going to need to step up its game. How am I supposed to lose weight?

Luckily I brought last week's issue of Time about the presidential election. I think I read enough today to make an informed decision.

Upcoming...

My Election Day extravaganza where I talk about how I watched Dexter, voted, played poker, went out for half priced sushi and just thanked the higher ups that they saw this as a "whole day off" kind of thing. USA! USA! USA!

This might be why I hate dressing up

My mom sent me these. Presumably to hammer home the traumatic reason I do not want to dress up for Halloween. Notice the reuse of the clown costume from me to my sister. Also pay close attention to the Superman/ Batman combination I sport in the second picture. It is worth it to note though that this homemade red cape I wore actually made me invincible. Too bad I outgrew it.

Professor Norrie Weighs in on all the mistakes I made

Hi – Three things. First of all, that Fire Alarm event happened while we were living in Long Branch, not Palatine. I remember it clearly.

The second thing is if you won a creativity award for my design, then where is my trophy?!?!?

Thirdly, Winston Churchill was probably one of the greatest persons of the 20th. Century, and is one of the people I want to meet in heaven. He was a class act. When visiting with FDR at the White House during WW II, he would sleep until noon and then take a long bath. FDR, if he wanted to meet with Churchill would have to be wheeled into the bathroom where he would talk with Churchill while Churchill soaked naked in a hot tub, smoking a cigar, and drinking gin. Amazing the allies won WWII. He also made some of the most memorable quotes. About the Royal Air Force he said, “Never have so many, (the English people) owed so much (their lives), to so few (the airmen)”. When running for Prime Minister he said, “All I have to offer is blood, sweat, toil and tears”. When speaking of the resolve of the British people during WWII he said, “If the British Empire should last for a thousand years, men (sic) will still say this was her finest hour.” Good stuff. - Dad.

Trauma

Back in 1983, I was a kindergartner at Winston Churchill Elementary School in Palatine, Illinois. (Why a Midwestern elementary school was named after a 1940's and 50’s English Prime Minister is beyond me) Anyway, one day in kindergarten I grabbed a copy of Where the Wild Things Are, told the teacher to hold my phone calls, and headed for the bathroom to take care of business. (I like to think I announced going to the bathroom then, the same way I do it now.)

While I was in the bathroom the fire alarm went off. The effect was life-changing. I got up but could not get out of the bathroom. The door was jammed, the fire alarm kept blaring and I just pictured myself burning to a crisp in a kindergarten bathroom of all places. From that day forward I refused to go to the bathroom in school and still hate fire alarms. In that same kindergarten class they also forced us to try tofu for the first time. Why? I don't know, but the effect was equally traumatizing to the point where today Sabrina still needs to "sneak" tofu into meals just to get me to try it.

A quarter a century later here I am still hating fire drills and tofu. Well really I just hate the idea of them more than I actually hate the reality of them.

That brings me to the point of this newsletter: Halloween. I hate, hate, hate dressing up for Halloween. Or at least I hate the idea of wearing a costume. I have felt this way for awhile. The last time I enthusiastically dressed up for the holiday was in 6th grade when I went to school dressed as a cemetery. My dad took an old cardboard box and cut the sides in a way that made each face look like a different gravestone. I won an award for creativity. Since that day I have dressed up exactly 3 times for Halloween. Two you can read about HERE and the third was last year when a friend and I went to a party dressed as the guys from the "Dick in a Box" Video.

See, for tofu and fire alarms I can trace my aversion back to a single moment. For Halloween the reason is less clear. There must be a reason I hate the dressing up but I don't know it. But that is just it. Maybe like tofu and alarms I hate the idea more than I hate the actual thing. That is why this year I am willingly and excitedly donning a costume for a Halloween party! I am going as a railway worker! (I am trying to convince Sabrina to go as the actually train tracks. There are so many jokes for this scenario that I might explode). Does this mean I am growing as a person? I’ll still consciously pass on the tofu but slowly and surely the big guy is finally growing up. Happy Halloween!

Cheerleaders

A few weeks ago in my autobiography post I mentioned a possible title as “All the teachers are dressing as cheerleaders.” This elicited some responses asking for an explanation. Here goes:

During my first year of teaching I was clueless. My main concerns were not upsetting anyone and not standing out from the crowd. Being the only male (save the principal) in the school this made some aspects of the job difficult. I used to call it reverse sexism. There were tons of examples that I won’t go in to but Halloween was a challenge. At the time I was told that the principal expected teachers to all dress up for the holiday. What did I know? I had only been there two months, wanted to get tenured and didn’t want to be a rabble-rouser. The teachers came up with a theme for that year. And that theme was “cheerleaders.” What made this decision even more egregious and sexist was that they chose the theme while I sat right in front of them. I felt sick to my stomach. Cheerleaders?!

In my seven years of teaching this still stands as the most frustrating and difficult decision I have faced (it’s been a pretty easy run). I didn’t even know, if I did dress up, how I would dress as a cheerleader. In the end I wore sweatpants, sweatshirt and prayed to god that no parent would ask what my costume was. Here is a picture I found of that day. You can see the effort I put in.

I only told Sabrina about this costume choice. What a mistake. She told a couple of my friends and I was left this message on my cell phone from my buddy James:

“Cheerleader huh? Nice job. I’m sure your father would be very proud. His only son, a cheerleader.”

In the years since I have come to my senses about dressing up for Halloween. I sent out an email this year saying I was dressing as “dignity.” For this costume I would wear my regular work shirt and tie and therefore maintain my dignity. (Last year I was integrity) That being said I didn’t learn my lesson quick enough about Halloween as evidenced below when the next year we dressed as crayons. I love teaching.

Other Holidays and Reader Thoughts

"I have one more for you. How about NATIONAL REVIEW YOUR WILL DAY. This is when you count up all the times your children have bad mouthed you in print and you reduce their inheritance accordingly. Love you! Dad"

- I made a mental note to remove my dad from the mailing list.

Brian C weighs in on holidays

I still can't figure out Groundhogs day. Does it really matter whether he sees his shadow or not? While a good movie it is an awful holiday.

There are several that fall in the "so we really only have to do this one day" category of uselessness. These include, but are not limited to, Earth Day, Arbor Day, Green Day and Flag Day. One of them is a band that stinks. The other are things we should do every day yet discourage by promoting one day of the year to do it on. So if I plant a tree on March 30 I am less of a tree lover than those that do it on Arbor day? If I recycle (pennies preferably) weekly yet do not on Earth day I am less green? Don't like it.

It's a celebration b*****es

If it were up to me we would only celebrate or observe two holidays: Thanksgiving and my birthday. Unfortunately the overly festive nature of this country precludes this from happening. We are inundated with contrived holidays like Arbor Day, Groundhog Day, etc. (A topic for another day is “How I Got My Wife to Eschew Valentine’s Day")

But of all the hair-brained holidays and reasons to “celebrate” THIS has to be the worst. Boss’s Day?! What brown noser came up with this you ask? THIS person, that’s who. I can't believe this got on any calendar. Only a governing body full of bosses could allow this to happen. What a collective kick in the crotch this is to the American workforce. A holiday like this makes me think we will celebrate anything. We actually observe it in our school. That is how I knew about its existence. My favorite part of the wiki explanation is how employees are encouraged to give a small gift and work extra hard that day. That made me literally laugh out loud.

In honor of this I have come up with some comparable holidays. By the way, creating an official holiday is difficult and time consuming. I know because I did some research on how to create "National Boss Stay at Home Day." It sounded like more effort than I was willing to put in. Just getting started meant calling a local congressman. Even that seemed like too much work. Anyway on to the list:

National Natural Disaster Day: Where we celebrate all of the joys brought to us by hurricanes, tornados, earthquakes, etc. You could celebrate by coming to work, walking into a co-workers office or cubicle and breaking something that they cherish.

National Slow Driver Day: Where we thank all of the slow drivers that help keep our roads safe and us just 5-10 minutes late for that important meeting. We will celebrate by driving 45mph in the left lane, keeping our blinker on for 4-5 miles at a time and letting in every car from every parking lot we pass. Plenty of people in Jersey observe this holiday daily during my afternoon commute.

National Give it Away Day: Do not confuse this with some kind of charitable donation day. No, on this day you celebrate by going around to your peers and basically giving away the endings to books or movies they have not seen or read. My dad celebrates this about 8-9 days a year.

Autobiography Follow-Up

Got some great responses to the autobiography. Some people wrote some of their own and some added to mine. Most people just wrote to confirm how f--ing hilarious and talented I am. No real surprise there.

Additions to my autobiographical titles: (Again with The Doug Norrie Story attached at the end)

"I'm Sure It Will Turn Up Somewhere:" (Courtesy of my mom)
"What Makes You Think I Want to Talk to You Anyway:" (thanks Fuzz)
"I Never Really Liked the Red Sox Anyway:" (Mike Pac)
"How to Marry a Woman 10 Times Better Looking Than I am:" (backhanded compliment? from Nate C.)


People's own they sent in:

"I Really Wish I Had Thought About That Before I Said It: The Katie Carruthers Story"

"I Swear Officer It Isn't Mine: The Anthony Carsillo Story"

"My Book: The Michael Pacchione Story"

He explains: In case this title sounds stupid consider being able to say, "Well, in My Book" but its referring to your actual book title, not some fictitious book of opinions.

"How I Managed to Avoid Growing Up By Staying in School: The Nate Carlin Story"
Keep sending them in. I will put them up here.

A Doug's Life

I would love to write a book. The idea of having something formally published just seems so scholarly and advanced. I imagine the life of a writer to be spent drinking coffee and waking up late on weekdays while the rest of the world speeds by in a rush to go to work. (I guess I mostly just want an excuse to not go to work) I have even tried sitting down and writing some stories and or bits of a novels to no avail. Newsflash: writing is hard. Making it readable? That is even harder. I know my limitations. One of them is creativity when it comes to creating characters, setting, plot etc. I read somewhere once that these are fairly important elements of a story. Who knew? Anything I write comes out sounding or being about things I have done in my life or people I have known. I can’t step out of the box. This brings me to the conclusion that anything I write will be autobiographical. This presents its own set of problems but at least I won’t have to sit around trying to make stuff up. With this in mind I have come up with some working titles of my autobiography

(read each of these with “:The Doug Norrie Story” right after them):

“Balding in America , A View from the Top:”

“All of the Teachers are Dressing as Cheerleaders for Halloween:”

“It’s Cool as Long as I Don’t Need to Take My Shirt Off:”

“You Think You’ve Had Car Problems?:”

“Where’d All My Socks Go?:”

“What Happened? I Fell Asleep:”

Coming soon to the clearance isle at a Barnes and Noble near you.

(If anyone wants to send me the working title for their own autobiography please do. I can think of a bunch for friends of mine. Also if you can think of better ones for me feel free. No one can fake laugh at themselves and then hold a lifetime grudge better than me.

Penny Pictures

These are a couple of pictures drawn by my buddy Alex. This might be the most penny-inspired art in the history of the world. Good thing I didn't have him illustrate my "Naked Gym Guy" post from last year.

A Dollar for My Thoughts

5 things that have annoyed me the most since my last newsletter:

1. NJ.com's continued insistence on publishing all things Springsteen, including this little nugget . Thanks Boss!

2. The worthless Vice Presidential debate preempting The Office last Thursday.

3. The traffic light at the corner of Central Ave and Terminal Rd in Clark (ongoing)

4. The cats living in my neighborhood that use our garden as their litter box (also ongoing)

5. The announcement of THIS . - For those that don't get where I am going with this, it is the US issuing a commemorative penny. A PENNY!!! AARRGGHHH!

When I first heard about this I almost lost my mind. Ask my students. I railed about this for like 10 minutes to a group of shocked, and most likely terrified, fifth graders. I have been a penny basher for years. Any currency that most people would rather put in the garbage than in a piggy bank has no value. Right now it ranks only slightly above a bottle cap. (I bet on most college campuses it ranks significantly below the bottle cap actually).

Please send me a list of anything of merit you can buy for a quarter or less (gumball machine gum aside James) and I will happily send you the big rusty bag of pennies Sabrina and I for some reason still have in our basement. I would say that besides the TV game show "Hole in the Wall," the penny is the stupidest thing we have going in America right now. (Sidenote: When I first saw this TV show I turned to Sabrina and said, "This is why the terrorists hate us.")

I know my ideas aren't new here when it comes to the penny. Rational minds are arguing against it right now. So altogether lets just say "No" to the penny. If not, well then just save up 40,000,000 of them and you can buy a nice little cape in Cranford.

The Garden State

Oh New Jersey . Why do you do his to me? Sabrina and I always joke about the website NJ.com. For those that do not know about it is the website powered by the Star Ledger (by far the biggest paper in New Jersey ) and every other fledgling/dying newspaper in the state. Basically it acts as a one stop shop for everything Garden State . The jokes we make about it often revolve around how the site never seems to have enough content to sustain as a true - highly trafficked news source. Some days a headline will read "Major Drug Bust in Newark nets Gang Members" but then an hour later the main headline will read "Hey Jerseyans- Send us you shore pics!" Huh?! How am I supposed to take this site seriously? Send us pictures of yourself to put up? This isn't Facebook people. It is supposed to be a reputable site for news. I thought about this today as a I perused the front page (yes I still read it religiously mostly looking to see if my town is mentioned in any mafia related arrests ) . At the bottom is a section titled "New Jersey Living." Here is a sample of links to click on. Tell me which one seems a bit odd. Fashion, Shopping, Home and Garden, Travel, Springsteen. ??!! There is a whole link for a person. Here are some sample headlines one can enjoy when clicking the link:

"Bruce writes a song for new movie"

"Saturday's Milwaukee setlist"

"No Bruce at the Democratic National Convention"

All of these headlines are just from the last two weeks and believe me there are many more.

I am beside myself. Amazingly enough this is par for the course when it comes to NJ.com. Sabrina and I will also joke that when their webmasters are in doubt the front page will give us some random news about the Boss (or if they are really hard up a quick note about Bon Jovi although he runs a distant, distant second).

As if New Jersey did not have enough stereotypes with the Turnpike, Parkway, mafia, pollution, etc we need NJ.com perpetuating them. That being said when you are ready to buy a home here let me know. What a great place to live!

Love and Marriage

Its been an interesting summer to say the least. Lets take a quick link and parentheses -filled tour through my summer before we get to the good stuff. It started with a bachelor-party-induced herniated disc. (Not as crazy as it sounds) Then I spent a couple of weeks here belaying this guy's son up and down a rock wall. Was able to squeeze in a quick wedding (slide show takes about 5 minutes) to Sabrina. Was the best man in a wedding two weeks later where I lost the best man speech 10 minutes before show time (found it in my back pocket later that night). On to another wedding in Boston where Sabrina got to see this place for the first time (from the outside at least). And it is off to sunny Mexico next week to cap it all off. Phew!

This summer got me thinking about how great it was to get married. Besides the love and lifetime commitment part (blah-blah-blah) marriage and the process of getting married fills a very specific purpose for me. I like to be good at things. In fact there are certain things I like to think I excel at. Baseball analysis. Scrabble. Bocce Ball. Excelling at these things allows me to do something else I love: Dispense unwanted and unneeded advice about them to anyone within earshot. And now I can do that about marriage. I am an expert. Like I said, this includes the actual wedding aspect and the role of husband. I hit grand slams in both. That being said I will offer you some advice on both. Read closely and remember its an expert talking.

Wedding ceremony/reception
- Think twice about planning outdoor wedding in the middle of July. Weather forecasters are not wrong about the heat. Tuxedo jackets do not cool you down.
- Go ahead and practice the vows beforehand. This saves you having to ask the officiant twice to repeat a line because you realized you weren't really listening.
- When your cousins fiance tells you he got the same wedding ring as you resist the urge to smugly tell him what a "deal" you got on it. This can end with him telling you sheepishly he got it for half the price.
- And finally: Pre-screen your vendors. This saves you from a Gallagher look alike showing up to videotape the whole thing

Being a husband:
- Do everything you used to do except occasionally remind your wife that she is married to you now, lest she think it is an easy get away.
- Dispense marriage advice to all of your single friends. They love it.
- When a disagreement occurs, take it from me there is nothing a round of rock, paper, scissors can't solve.

What's in a name?

When it comes to having kids I have two dreams. The first is to have quintuplets so I can have enough same-aged little tikes to coach them in basketball without anyone else’s kids corrupting my starting five with their non-athleticism. The second is less farfetched. In fact it’s perfectly reasonable. It is to one day have a son and name him Eirron. Many of you have heard me go on and on about the advantages of having a palindromic name. (Most of these reasons center on the “Wouldn’t it be awesome” argument.) If you’ve heard me make my point for this name, you have always heard my fiancé’s staunch stance against it. She wasn’t even able to get on board after I offered to drop Racecar as his middle name. She has never offered any reasoning behind her refusal. To me it seems a “no just to say no” defense.

This kind of disagreement takes me back to when we first started dating x years ago. At the time she flatly refused to partake in any celebratory moves when something exciting happened. These included, but were not limited to: high-fives, low fives, fist pumps or double fist pumps. Whenever I held my hand up to her to celebrate something she would smile, look at me pityingly, grab my hand and say, “Yay.” No return gesture. That didn’t stop me though. I never gave up. Even knowing the non response coming, I continued offering the hand or the fist and slowly but surely wore her down. It started small. After a couple of years she high-fived me back without thinking and I knew I had won. I whittled her down so much that now I even get random fist pumps from her!

Long story short that is my plan for my first son’s name. We aren’t having kids anytime soon so I figure I have time. Little by little we’ll get there and I can’t wait for the day his kindergarten teacher reads roll call, realizes what he/she is looking at, looks at my son and thinks, “Wow, that’s the best name I have ever seen.” Front wards and backwards.

(And if my plan doesn’t work I have a backup plan. His name will be Sammy C. Norrie. The C will stand for Claus and I will have little problem convincing him he is related to Santa. That should make him a legend until about 2^nd grade. After that, maybe not so much).