Buckle Up

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I know I did. I’ve gotten some really nice words about the newsletters coming back which is either people just trying to make conversation with me or some really great compliments. Either way, the motivation is back. I hope to keep cranking them out. Thought it would be a nice time to share this. Some of you are well versed in this story already. For others, buckle up. You are about to get a crash course in my history with automobiles.



January 2000 - My parents are nice enough to make the initial purchase of a Honda Civic for me. This car serves two purposes. It’s insanely generous Christmas/ college graduation gift. It’s also a motivator because I have to start making the monthly finance payments the second I graduate college meaning I can’t slack off.



June 2002 - A recycling truck backs over front of Civic, crushing the hood and my confidence in the Jackson Township Department of Public Works. After this, the air conditioner never quite works right, the car always shakes at any speed over 70mph and the headlights point more up than out making everyone think I am high beaming them.



June 2003 - During a thunderstorm, a tree branch falls through the back windshield causing extensive damage and also prompting a friend of mine to claim it was a 12 year old kid who had taken a 30 pound branch and hurled it through the back of my car. (it just fell off a tree). While getting it repaired, the jackass car guy doesn’t seal the window correctly. Torrential downpour. Another buddy of mine sits in the backseat which actually makes a sloshing sound it is so wet. Car forever smells like wet moldy towels.



August 2004 - I pay car off and famously (and sarcastically) claim, "It’s paid off, now I will probably total it.”



September 2004 - Car is totaled when some idiot rear ends me on the Parkway. Trunk disappears as do my dreams of going through just one month of no car payment.



November 2004 - Purchase Toyota Matrix. Walk out to school parking lot to see a massive dent in the rear passenger side door. I leave note in teacher's lounge and office of school threatening to murder the person who did it. Surprisingly no one fesses up.



October 2005 - On Halloween Day I come outside to find car egged from the previous Mischief Night. After closer inspection it appears my car is the only one on the block to suffer this fate. I conveniently forget all the houses and cars I egged on Mischief Night in North Plainfield and make mental note to beat up neighborhood kids.



March 2005 - Ground lights on car are stolen. I don't know why. I do not replace them as I didn't even realize they were there until I noticed them missing.



August 2006 - Some guy rear ends me while exiting off Parkway. Huge dent in trunk. We decide to keep insurance companies out of it. He writes me a check. I buy a new computer.



Why has all of this stuff happened to me? I am willing to ignore Occam's Razor (in this case: bad luck, something with my general care of automobiles) and go right to the universe conspiring against me. I was able to boil it down to three major things in my life that have caused the Gods of Automobiles to hold a pretty massive grudge. Here are my transgressions:



1. While in middle school, I vehemently resisted my parents purchasing a Ford Crown Victoria Wagon eventually making the argument that "it's the most embarrassing car in America." My parents ignore me and the Gods begin to take notice.



2. While on my paper route, the Gods decide to mete out a little revenge. I take too wide a turn on my bike and am actually hit by a car. The bike is totaled but, amazingly, I walk away unscathed. This just makes the Gods angrier.



3. I fail my first driver's license test in epic fashion when, after perfectly parallel parking, I run a red light, speed, and make and illegal left turn. Gods become even angrier at my apparent lack of respect for the road. They reach the boiling point when I do end up passing test with flying colors the second time around.



I am writing this newsletter as an apology. I am sorry Car Gods. Whatever I did to offend you was done unknowingly. I want to make amends now more than ever. It’s been awhile since any major car controversy and I can already see the writing on the wall. Something is going to happen and soon. Maybe it will be just a fender bender. Maybe it will be a crane dropping a steel beam and crushing the Matrix to oblivion. Maybe I will just walk outside and the car will be gone (the least likely of the three judging by its condition.) I don’t want any of these things to happen. I need this little baby to run for another 100k miles at least. This will give little Eirron enough to time claim his dad is buying the most embarrassing car in America.


Be good everyone. Coming next: The Gift Giving, Holiday Spectacular.