Love and Marriage

“I can’t wait to get married so we can go on Wife Swap.”
- My fiancé

A match made in heaven coming to a wedding chapel near you in May of 2008. Quotes like this from your future bride are disturbing on a number of different levels, but I think what disturbs me the most is that Sabrina actually likes to watch Wife Swap. For those that haven’t seen it, the basic premise can be summed up in this series of equations where:

P = psychotic wife
L = loser husband
A and B designate dysfunctional families

P(A) + L(A) = P(B) + L(B) = convinced of being perfect parents

P(A) + L(B) = P(B) + L(A) = act like lunatics imposing differing (but no less retarded) parenting philosophies on each other

If this doesn’t make sense don’t worry I am not that good at math and it really isn’t that important anyway. Rest assured these people are some of the biggest psychopaths and least competent parents around. If it weren’t for MTV airing My Super Sweet Sixteen I could be easily convinced that these people lacked more self-awareness than anyone else on the planet.

In last night’s episode (I watched against my will as it was on in the background while I read) producers paired a family of self-centered, drunk, lazy Italians from Ohio with a pair of hick-talking, horseback riding rodeo cowboys from Delaware (State motto: before you knew it you’d driven through it (made that up myself)). The show was predictable. No one gets along, everyone lives at different extremes of the parenting spectrum, constant arguing, with the only people being truly effected are the kids who are scarred for life on national television. The only bright spot of last night’s episode was the end where the two husbands got in a fist fight with the hick meting out what he described as, “cowboy justice.”

This show just backs up my idea that we should have birth control in our water. The system would be fairly easy. We place some kind of pregnancy blocker in the tap water. To unblock it one needs only to go to the town office and pick up the antidote. No questions asked, no screenings, no job verification or credit score. You just need to show up. Judging by the general laziness of the American people I think this would cut down on unwanted pregnancies by a healthy percentage. This would also cut down on couples, like the ones that go on Wife Swap from just pumping out future kids who will most likely just be societal pains in the asses. I mean they will probably have one to start, but once they see that having kids makes it difficult to continually feed their egotistical, self-centered lifestyles, they will probably just cut it off at one. Basically my system cuts down on the idiots becoming parents, which decreases the talent pool for shows like Wife Swap. It’s a societal win-win and I won’t have to trade my wife for an over-eating, bad TV watching woman who needs to be pampered at all times. Oh wait…